Holy Ghost

Strung out on those feelings

Because people just need things

No sense in believing

- Holy Ghost

If ever find a home again - I would be very happy - I always have said to you - I lived in suitcase for past 7 years. I do not know where my home is, I do not know where I belong. I lost cities and I have lost homes. I do not have any place to go. I do not have any corner of my own. I do not have a place where I can go and sip a cup of coffee or read a book for hours together. But as Gloria the great says - we are true Survivors.

If we happen to meet one day, maybe we would meet in a place that I would call my home. I would wait to find my home and I would wait to find my city and a country that I would call of my own. But till, then I would search for what I have started. I am just tired of this cyclic redundancy and I would never understand this feeling of loneliness. One more home scratched from the list, one more city lost to juvenile foolishness of an incandescent mind. I do not know what to do ahead - as I search in my Bohemian bag and I search for nothing but some lost river pebbles and some memories of eternal transition.

I should have realized that you would have moved on, right from the day I left the city. The void that I had created, by now, would have been filled. I was juvenile and ignored all the claims that the world had put forth. I missed the holistic approach to the subject. I missed that house which I called home. Maybe I was very stupid. Maybe I should have realized all this long time back. Maybe I should have understood the situation. Maybe I should have learned the lesson when I fell in love with all the people who were inevitably wrong for me. Maybe thats why the time has stuck. Maybe life has some new adventure for me. Maybe I am 29 years old. And maybe after seeing and doing what I want to do, I would want to kill myself.

I do not know anything for sure. I made all those friends in all those years and now I have no one. Its a clean slate all over again. I would for sure lose everyone one by one. Maybe that will help me not to miss the city and curb my desire to come back. Maybe I am just acting stupid like an old drunkard high on narcotics. Maybe all this reading is screwing up your head. Maybe all this thinking is jumbling up my thought process.

Maybe all I wanted was a friend whom I have rights of ownership on. Maybe I made a wrong choice. Maybe it was a good choice. Maybe I should not have come here to live my dream, I should have stayed with you.Then maybe all of this would not have happened. But then who knows - maybe only time shall tell - as Enya said - Only Time.

For now - I leave everyone and start all over again. I do not have friends and rest of the people have their own lives to deal with. I walk alone and I hope all the best things for you. Maybe one day you will see and understand why I am upset. Its cold right now and the weather is amazingly depressing and I have left a lot behind. The feeling of security as gone and with no-blanket its indeed very cold. Its just suicidal.

The new city has sure taught me a lot. I can never be dependent on anyone - friend or foe they all are alike. Its time which tells the difference.

Independent dependency !

1:20 pm

December 2, 2002

Mumbai Airport

from - Phase of the moon (edited /modified version)